Tag: Funny

Chihuahuas and the Bible

Dog2
So not innocent

So the chihuahuas woke me up at 3:00am this morning. I looked but could find no scipture that would allow me to strangle them. I’m confident its there but its too early and I’ve not had enough coffee to find it yet. So I fired up the coffee pot and decided to start my day.

Robert was fairly silent this morning, I think my battles to get my blog website finalized yesterday drove him completely over the edge. What didn’t happen was I got almost no writing done. I’ll spare you the word count numbers I shoot for vs my miss, as I think a blow by blow of word count is enough to make any loyal readers eyes roll back in their head and cause bodily injury to themselves by falling out of their chair. Just know that yesterday nothing advanced in any positive way.

***a few hours later***

Now that I’ve been awake for a bit this morning, I have went back and completed my research and I can say to a reasonable degree of certainty that no scripture exists to allow for chihuahua murder. If you should find one please send it…. because I promise the little buggers are not done with me….

The blog will advance slowly (think iceberg), but should you conceive of a question let me know. I will write about almost anything. Short of that I have no promises of what might fall out of my deranged mind.

 

I am Legion

My alter ego… lets call him Robert…. sneaks around the edge of my brain when I’m writing. When I’m working on my current project, he likes to slide memos about a zombie books we should be working on under my door. He fidgets and refuses to pay attention when I’m working on my plot and outlines.

He wants to google author salaries and tell me how writing for my chosen genre is a disaster. He agrees with the demons that crawl out from under my bed at night that I’m simply not good enough for anyone to want to read. Robert laughs when I get writers block, and cackles when I slam my IPad shut with frustration. He smiles when I just cant find the words to take the beautiful things I see in my head and convert them to the blinking dot on the page.

He steps up and thumps his chest when somebody asks me what I’ve been working on. Robert likes to tell everyone that we are a “writer”, even tho “we” have never published.

I’m terrified when I think about how much work I have to do, while he is off planning to write four novels a year.

Robert is a jerk, but I cant write without him. He protects me from having to worry about that stuff myself, so I can just write…. everyday…. day after day. He worries about the things of the world, so I dont have too, so I can play in the field of ideas and bleed my ideas onto the page. Always right there over my shoulder, telling me I’m awful but whispering in my ear when I cant find the next word.

When I give up, he takes over and works on his projects. He tells me to rest, that my work for the day is done. He makes me a cup of tea, and finds me a blanket to crawl up under. Then and only then does he put his fingers to the keyboard. I rest in the sound of the keyboard clicking as he writes about things I dont have the heart to face. The demons slide out of his fingertips onto the page, without effort. Then when he puts the last period on the last sentence they stay on the page. I’m jealous of that gift, for he is my demon and not so easily silenced.

It’s a love hate relationship. He intimidates me… but i have to have him. In the morning when I’m drinking my coffee he tells me how many words I have to write that day. He looks over my shoulder and tells me to stop editing and finish something….. anything. He makes it ok for me to create crappy first drafts because he just wants them done. Then when he is distracted with a shinny bobble, I hide off in the corner poking at the squiggly red lines trying to make them go away.

I do not now, nor have I ever feared him. The only fear I have, is not that Robert doesn’t exist, but that at the end of the day, when all the ink drys. I might find that there never was a Jerry.

J.Packard 1.9.18

In response to This Blog

My life, aka The story of Two Chairs

I realized today that my life revolves almost completely around two chairs.

During my life those two chairs have changed. I get a new job and my chair changed or its location changed but I’m still in a chair. I go home, and my chair is there, sure it moves when we change around the room or when I buy a new chair but its always a chair.

From one chair in the past I made my money, from the other chair I lived me life. Granted my life might have been Video games and books, but I spent most of my day in one chair doing those things. When I was not in that chair I was in another chair trying to get to get back to that chair.

Perhaps this comes from being raised by “chair people”, my father has a chair as does my mother. My grandparents had chairs!!! Everyone I know has a chair!!

Is it just me or is the world filled with “chair people”???

I love to hike, but I’m always happy to get back to my chair. I love to travel, but I normally find a temporary chair in my hotel rooms. I even have a chair in my car when I travel, and if I travel with people….. woe to the person who sits in my chair!!

My goal is to get to one chair, and maybe a bed…. unless my chair is really comfortable then just the chair. I want to live and work from the same chair. This is my one chair dream….. as insane as that might sounds.

Them-“Jerry what’s your goal in life?”

Me- “To only need one chair”

So ya….. brothers and sisters of the chair speak up, tell me your chair stories!!!!! Share this with other chair people you love, we must unite!!! Stand up with me (Or sit), and let the world know that we chair people have a voice…. and we just wont stand for anything anymore….

P.S. Yes I’m ashamed of that last line… but I might have set a record for the most times “chair” was used in a blog post….

J.Packard 1.8.18